made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
