remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
