I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
