So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
