why didn't you poke me back
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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