my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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