alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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