so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
