every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
