Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
