I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
