I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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