I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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