How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
