Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Randomize
