I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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