Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
