he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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