so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
