Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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