Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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