my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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