Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
