I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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