The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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