If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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