She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
