Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
