Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
