i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
