and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
