My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
