I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
