I accidentally had phone sex last night
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
