please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She announced her abortion via fbk
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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