non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
third nipple confirmed
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
