I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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