Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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