3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
