Do you still have your period?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
