why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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