Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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