Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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