I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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