I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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