I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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