I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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