THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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