Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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