Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
