Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
