We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
