Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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