omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
the liver wants what the liver wants
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
