8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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