I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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