Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize