if i can run in heels then i can drive
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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