the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize