i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
