it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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