hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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