went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
