Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
