you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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